For an entire week, every time I got in the car, the same song would come on the radio. Some people attribute those things to coincidence, but I knew God was speaking to me. Also, because I have control issues and am to my limit in every area of my life I was like, “No thank you God on the whole giving up control thing, but thank you for asking.”
The more overwhelming life gets, the more I seek to control anything within my grasp.
I am cleaning out my dad’s estate which is a 10 acre farm with things that have accumulated over 3 generations. And I think the show Hoarders was based on my dad’s garage. I want to throw everything away. I want it to be clean. I don’t want to have to deal with any lose ends. CONTROL.
I have been talking to this great guy for a couple of months. But I feel imperfect. A mess. I can barely remember to eat or change my tank top. I am crabby and low level functioning. My dishes are hindering my ability to fill up my Brita. I don’t want to be seen as anything less than my best self. What if I am not perfect sometimes? I’ve always been someone who has it together. FEAR.
Even though I am off social media I am not immune to the comparison virus that has infected our culture. People who are not the hardest working or best people I know getting raises and beautiful babies and happiness while every time I come up for air I come face to face with pain or death or hardship or loss. COMPARISON.
“That’s one thing about God; He’s the one in control, not you or me. It’s vital to trust God while you are still afraid. You see, often your peace is waiting for you on the other side of trust. ” -Sadie Robertson
There is another thing about God. He does not like to take no for an answer. And yes, this is the part of the story where I finally let go.
As this song continued to come for me, the Spirit led me to donate $40 a month to a ministry I love.
Me: Cool God, but my job was eliminated so I’m super unemployed remember?
Then I was asked to show someone Him.
Me: I’m sorry, can you clarify because I’m not ready to do that yet.
Him: (Wakes me up at 3:30am and keeps me awake until I do what He wants, then lets me go to sleep after I fight it for 2 hours).
THEN, as I am whining and complaining about all of these not so great humans getting all of the things He says, “But you know the true treasure.”
Fear, control and comparison are not of God. They are of the Enemy. The Thief that steals light, life, love and joy. The darkness that surrounds you with anxiety, helplessness and fear of the future. The one who fills your Facebook feed with those receiving your hearts deepest desires.
The thing is. I’m a mess. I have nothing under my control. My purse is a bottomless granola bar pit, I have a laundry pile taller than my basket, I forgot to pay my car insurance, and my face has more stress acne than my 15 year old self ever did. My dad died, I had 3 biopsies in 1 week, my job was terminated and I am waist deep in probate. I’m smack dab in the middle of some of my most fearful moments. There is no stable ground on Earth. That is why I have to let God be my rock.
So this is where I let God take it. Because I cannot hold anymore.
So. In conclusion, let it go.